It’s been almost nine months.
Nine months of not hearing him come down the stairs.
Nine months of him not falling asleep on the sofa on a Saturday morning.
Nine months of me watching kid-inappropriate TV by myself.
Nine months of crying and yelling and laughing and weeping.
You’d think this would not just now be sinking in.
It’s hitting me like an anvil.
I think it started the last time I visited this blog. I got to thinking that I should change the photo of the blog to a more recent one of Trey. This one is over a year old. That’s when it hit me that there will be no new recent pictures. I mean, we have more recent pictures than this one, but all we have is all we will have. At some point the most recent picture of him, one taken on my birthday two days before his death, will be ten years old. There will be no new photographs, no new jokes, no new experiences.
There will be no new memories with him.
At night I get in bed alone, and that is how it will continue to be. I still sleep mainly on my own side. The dog has taken over his pillow, a fact that would both amuse and annoy him.
I wake up with kids in my bed, but no husband. That is how it will continue to be.
This is not the first holiday season without him. This is the first of many holiday seasons without him. Of ALL the holiday seasons without him.
I asked my mom for gift ideas for dad, and awaited the traditional responding question of what she should get for Trey. Half the day went by before I realized that I was expecting that question, and that it would never be asked again.
His gone-ness is overpowering, is washing me away.
I sit at the dinner table, looking at the three of us. (Okay, I admit it. I sit on the sofa, looking at the three of us eating dinner with our plates on our laps.) It’s the three of us. It will be the three of us, until the kids grow up and start lives of their own.
I see advertisements for concerts and live shows to which we will never go.
I get groupon ads for couples’ getaways and think, “Well, I guess I’m never doing that.” We will never go to a romantic resort together. Never take a cruise. Never visit New York. Never visit the real Stonehenge. I may do some of these things on my own, but so many of them are contingent upon being a couple. The part of my life where I am part of a couple is over. I didn’t see it coming. It’s done. He’s gone.