It’s all happening again.
Not to the extent it happened before, when the pain was new and I lived in a fog.
It is, however, all happening.
I can’t. I can’t DO. I sit on the sofa and realized an hour has gone by. An hour with no TV, no phone, no music – is just gone. Gone to blank staring, to emptiness and nothing. I’m not remembering. I’m not lamenting. I’m not thinking of the holidays. I’m just physically too sad to move.
My whole body is sad. My shoulders droop. My knees ache. My back twinges. My legs refuse to carry me out of the chair, much less up the stairs or out the door. I am heavy. Gravity has made me its bitch. It pushes me and I don’t even resist.
I try to work, and stare at the screen. I try to wash dishes and stare out the window. I try to sleep, and stare at the ceiling.
I have turned off.
Except when I’m on.
Two days ago, I reorganized/rearranged one of my pantries. A couple of days before that I sorted through the medications in our guest bathroom. I ordered new pictures for the walls. I hung a broom organizer. Over the past couple of weeks I have filled three large trash bags and two boxes for the goodwill.
I am experiencing bursts of organizing and productivity in between lulls of depression and sadness.
I went through this in the early months. I want to claim my life and my space, so nesting kicks in and I go, go, go. A day turns, and I am almost unable to shower.
It is most likely the holidays that have brought this on. This is not happening the way I expected. I thought I would be sad when I looked back at all of our holidays together, or forward to the holidays without him. The truth is, I’m not thinking about or dwelling on those things. Not much. Not VERY much. This is a free floating sadness invading my bones during the most mundane times. Still, I think we can assume it is a combination of the holidays, along with the feeling that I’m careening toward his death anniversary, and the winter doldrums.
I’ve gone to the doctor and have gotten a prescription for Zoloft.
I had been resisting this. I don’t like the way I feel on SSRIs. I feel less me. It’s not a dramatic change, but it’s enough of one that I feel uncomfortable with it. Also, I want to feel my feelings. How am I supposed to heal from the pain if it is always shrouded? Sometimes you have to run a fever to break the flu. (I don’t know if that’s actually true. Don’t come to me for medical advice, I’m clueless.)
I can’t keep going like this, though. I need to keep a relatively clean house. RELATIVELY clean. I need to work. I need to make lunches and walk the dog and sew patches on boy scout uniforms. I would love to succumb to the sadness and stare into space until the kids come home from school, but I do have work to do and it won’t wait.
Now, I’m not trying to be alarming. When I leave the house, I do put on shoes — flip flops at least. I am getting us all fed and to school and back. I’m even getting some work done — somewhat inefficiently. I do wear PJ’s and a robe a lot of days — a perk of working at home. The PJs are clean — unless I spilled coffee or egg on them that morning — and in fact I kind of have ‘daytime jammies’ and ‘nighttime jammies.’ I’m showering. I’m taking out the trash. You won’t come to my house to fight through a mountain of pizza boxes and cat litter to find me in dreadlocks with green teeth.
But it’s hard. So Z is for Zoloft.
I have been on it two days. I had forgotten that while the effects take a couple of weeks to be noticeable, the side effects are immediate. I’m not sleeping well and my stomach is in knots. This will peter out, but is unpleasant currently. But if it gets me through the holidays and a bit beyond it will be worth it.
I’m also grief-shopping again. The kids were thrilled with the “epic fort” they were able to make from all the Amazon boxes.
I just want to curl up in my bed and stare at nothing.
But, this weekend I plan to take the kids to a potter class. Next Tuesday I’m going to see the Justice League with my widow sponsor. Next Thursday will be Thanksgiving at my mom’s house, and I’m looking forward to it so much. After Thanksgiving, the Christmas boxes will come out of the garage and we will start decorating. We will also get those cards in the mail.
We’re doing it. We’re doing this life. We’re riding the waves and we’re crashing sometimes but we’re getting back up.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.