Single Parent

Should I Try Martha Stewart Marley Spoon?

Posted on by Racheal

So, last week I decided that Home Chef would be my Dinner Kit of choice.

However, the choices, especially ones that at least one of my kids will eat, already feel repetitive. Like, each week they are pretty much getting a kind of burger, a kind of steak, and a random third thing they won’t eat. Considering the fact that they don’t eat any of the special sauces/toppings/sides that come with each meal, they are essentially having burgers for one meal and steaks for another meal every week. I could make burgers and steaks every week without needing a meal kit. I do, however, prefer it with the meal kit because then I make the sides and there is at least a wild chance that someone will eat a vegetable.

I’m now wondering if there is another option. Something that would have a bigger variety of kid friendly meals.

Full disclosure: for my kids, the only friendly meals involve a blue box and/or hot dogs.

Still, I’m looking at Marley Spoon. It looks yummy, and has more of what I would consider “borderline” kid foods. Things that are adjacent to foods my kids might eat, so if they are really hungry and tired of PB&J they might give it a try.

It seems to have the same issue as Gobble, however, what with the sauces being pretty rich and therefore being higher calorie than what you would sometimes expect. It’s not as egregious as Gobble, however.

The other drawback to Marley Spoon is it does not have the ability to customize meals. With Home Chef, for example, we are ordering chicken thigh tostadas but are changing out the chicken for steak. With Marley Spoon you don’t have that option.

Hmmmm . . . I might be running double meal kits again.

And really, do I like Home Chef because it’s awesome, or because it’s the first one I tried so it feels “right?”

Dinner Kits

Posted on by Racheal

Both of my kids are picky eaters. I won’t get into the details of how we got here or of the ongoing conflict in my house.

I will say that I have, at this point, worked myself into the terrible position of regularly making dinners that nobody eats. Which is soul crushing. Nothing like spending an hour cooking while two kids complain they are hungry, only to have them refuse to eat the meal that you then throw in the trash before facing a kitchen full of pans and dishes to be washed, to make you want to curl into a ball in bed and stay there indefinitely.

I need to make dinner for my family, and I need to not crumble when the dinners do not get eaten.

Enter the dinner kit.

At first I desperately searched for premade family dinners, and have not found that. I can find premade individual dinners, but having everyone pick out a heat ’em up dinner for the microwave every night doesn’t sound like it’s the right direction. Finally I succumbed to the idea of the meal kit, even though it felt like it would be more work than I could emotionally take.

I started with Home Chef, because they advertise a certain number of heat and eat meals.

Okay so you know how the ads say something like “pre-portioned ingredients?” Well, somehow my brain had inserted the word, “pre-prepped.” I thought the veggies would be chopped, burgers would be patted out, etc.

It’s not that way. My kit for some fancy burgers and fries contained, among the other ingredients, a pound of ground beef and a potato.

A whole ass potato.

To make fries.

As I’m patting out the burgers and cutting up the potatoes, I realized that I had been tricked into COOKING. I was just cooking! Like before! What in the actual heck?

By the end of my first week, however, I realized that it did help quite a bit. The method of selecting the meals complete with sides, having them delivered, and just needing to pull a bag out of the fridge to cook saves so much of the mental load of meal planning and cooking.

Also, it is super easy with most of the dishes to make half of it ‘plain’ by leaving out some things. So for example, I can make two servings of buffalo chicken cheesy penne, and two servings of cheesy penne. That is huge for me, and is something I haven’t been able to manage with most meals I pick for myself from cookbooks. I was pretty much sold on the concept at this point.

I then set about deciding which meal kit system was the best for me. I was pretty happy with Home Chef, but I wanted to shop around. I tried Dinnerly and Gobble as well. This is a little summary of each

Home Chef and Gobble are extremely similar.

  • Multiple meal options to choose from each week, including premium options for added cost
  • Many meals are customizable with different proteins, which does affect the cost
  • The meals are sold as pairs, essentially, so if you get a four person plan, you will receive two meal kits with two servings each for each of your selected meals.
  • The ingredients are separated into bags for each meal. You put the bag in the fridge, and then pull the bag out when you are ready to cook. (The meats are packaged separately from the other ingredients.)
  • Each meal comes with a nicely printed recipe card.
  • Both of their recipes seem to use up every pan in the house.

The differences between Home Chef and Gobble include

  • Gobble seems a bit cheaper, but Home Chef has free shipping on orders over $45.
  • Home Chef has full nutritional information on their recipe cards. Gobble only has the calories, but you can find the rest of the information easily on their website.
  • Gobble allows you to split a meal. Instead of four servings of one thing, you can get two servings of one item and two servings of a different item for your four person meal. Home Chef does not have this option.
  • Both companies offer a good variety of meals, but Home Chef is more of a meat-and-potatoes fare, while Gobble offers a lot more international options.
  • Gobble’s meals appear to average 700-900 calories per serving, while Home Chef is more 500-700 calories per serving.
  • Home Chef does have a few ‘heat and eat’ options every week.
  • Gobble is a bit less honest with their marketing. They claim to have more prep work already done and for meals to only take 15 minutes. They have the same prep work as Home Chef, and every meal I’ve made has taken 45 minutes to an hour.

Dinnerly is a different animal:

  • It is less expensive than the other options mentioned.
  • It appears to be the same cost each week, as opposed to the other two in which different selections may cost more or less.
  • There are plenty of options, but not as much customization.
  • The delivery is much more — I don’t know — raw? Basic? Earthy? They are a company that is more concerned with not contributing to issues of wasteful packaging, so the food does not come organized into cute little kits like it does with Gobble or with Home Chef. The food is not separated into different bags for different meals, and there aren’t sauces or dips in their own little containers. It is more like you pick out the recipes you want to make and they send you the box of groceries you would buy to make it.
  • It is much more ‘from scratch’ than the other options. While Home Chef or Gobble will have a little packet of garlic butter, Dinnerly will send you a clove of garlic and some butter.
  • Again to reduce waste, they do not include recipe cards in their boxes. You retrieve the recipes online.
  • The meat is grass fed. This is healthier, better for the planet, but I have never developed a taste for grass fed beef.

In the end, I am choosing Home Chef for right now. I think their selection of food is more in line with what my kiddos might be persuaded to eat. Also I like the fact that they do have the fast options. The big kicker for me, however, was the calorie content. Gobble has that thing where even their healthier seeming recipes — like a shrimp and rice dish — is somehow 800 calories a serving.

So that’s my assessment. All of this was from personal experience only; it is possible I am mistaken about some details.

Raising Raging Kids

Posted on by Racheal

Here’s a fun fact about widowhood:

If you have young children when your spouse dies, about a year after his/her death those children will probably go into full on rage mode.

I’d heard of this from a widow friend who was farther down the road, and now I am at that signpost.

One of my kids has slammed into “anger” with full force.  He’s always been a bit quick to fly off the handle.  We’ve always had to learn to manage his fits and his expectations.  Lately, however, his anger has become exhausting, impossible, draining, defeating.  He is quick to trigger and his rage fits will last over an hour sometimes.  We will then have a few minutes of peace before he triggers again. He screams.  He kicks walls.  He screams.  He slams doors.  He screams.  And screams.  And screams.

Through it he hurls insults.  I am a terrible mom.  I obviously hate him because I don’t want him to be happy.  He hates me because I don’t want him to be happy.  He’s going to run away.  He’s going to grow up to be a criminal due to my poor raising of him.  He hates me, he hates me, he hates me.

This isn’t supposed to happen until they are teenagers, right?

I am not without recourse.  We all see counselors, and we are working very hard with him to determine how to help him.  We are enlisting grief and anger specialists.  We are not letting this situation escalate without taking any action.  I am getting him the care he needs, but grief is a process.  We are getting through this, but in some ways it might just come down to being a storm that we will weather together.

I feel terrible for him.  It must be so miserable to be entirely contained within a fog of anger.  He can’t enjoy his life.  We are working on it.  I know we will get him through this.

Meanwhile, am I permitted to also feel terrible for me?  I am doing what the counselors suggested.  I remain calm.  I. REMAIN. CALM.  I REMAIN CALM, DAMMIT!  Seriously, I try my best to keep a calm tone of voice.  He can scream as much as he wants, but not in my face.  And not if it is making everyone else miserable.  He is allowed to have and express his feelings, but he is not allowed to make others feel bad.  He can scream in his room.  When he gets insulting, he gets a count.  Three count = time out.

One epic incident lasted over two hours.  I cannot remember what it was about.  I wouldn’t let him have juice, or it was time to turn of the TV.  Something like that.  He screamed and bellowed and slobbered and flung insults at me.  I calmly counted whenever he crossed the line, and wound up sending him to his room three or four times.  It was a nightmare, and I didn’t think I would be able to continue.

After that night, it has been better.  It was almost an instant cure.  For a couple of days he had no fits at all.  It’s building up again though.  I can feel it.  That kid has some sort of tectonic pressure inside of him and he is going to have another collapse.

The other night, he finally said it.  He said what I knew was coming, and was dreading to hear.

“Mom, I wish Dad were still here and that it was you that died.”

Holy shit, y’all.  Ouch.  Ouch.

I know it’s normal and okay.  I gave him a count for saying something hurtful.  I reminded him that if he wants to talk about his feelings, about my rules, anything that we can do that in a calm way but that he is not to say hurtful things when he is upset.

He was really close to his dad.  I am sure there are lots of times that he would rather have his dad around instead of me.  I know it doesn’t mean he would trade me, or that he wants me to die.  He doesn’t want either of us dead.  I know, however, that he sometimes feels his life would be better or more fair if he was with his dad instead of with me.  I am told this is natural.  A child will idolize their non-present parent and will believe their life would be better with the other person.

I also know that to a certain extent he was trying to engage me in an argument, by escalating his words to get a reaction from me.

It’s okay.  I understand.

It’s okay.

Except that Jesus Christ it is so not okay.  I’m not okay.

And now I am mad at my husband for leaving me to deal with the grief of our children.

Sick Kids and the Widow

Posted on by Racheal

This is more of a general parenting rant than a widow rant.  It is true, however, that I am not just a widow.  It is also true that this situation is complicated by my new status as a single parent.

My kids are sick, and so am I.

First K got sick, over the weekend.  He was worst on Saturday and a bit better on Sunday.  I planned to send the kids to school Monday, but he had been up hacking and coughing most of the night.  Plus his brother seemed to be getting sick so I kept them both home for an extra day of rest.

By “rest,” I mean “almost twelve straight hours of Minecraft while I try to work and to recover the house from all the birthday mess.”

I told them they were definitely going to school today.

Then at midnight last night, H woke up crying and screaming because his nose was so stuffy he couldn’t breathe and his throat hurt so bad when he coughed.  He came to my bed.

This morning I woke to the sound of him still snuffling uncomfortably, miserably fighting to stay asleep.  I was also snuffly and felt like my head could explode at any minute.  I knew K was well enough to go to school, but . . .

I didn’t want to pull H out of bed to get dressed and get in the car so we could take K to school.  This is where single parenting comes in.  When Trey was alive, one of us would have stayed home while the other dropped K off at school.  Now, I did think of calling my folks to come and stay with H while he slept.

But here’s the thing about help from others:  you need so much of it, when you’re widowed, when you’re unexpectedly single.  Every day it seems I’m asking my parents for help.  So when you can get by without asking for yet another thing, you try.

Plus I did not particularly feel like getting up either.

I had this wild parent fantasy that if I called both kids out sick that we would snuggle up in the bed together, sleep until ten, then move to the sofa downstairs with a box of kleenex, some blankets and Netflix.  So I called both boys out sick.

What was I thinking?!?!?  Am I a total noob at this parenting thing?

H was already up and out of bed by the time I finished calling the school.  He is definitely sick and I’m glad I kept him home, but if he was going to get out of bed anyway I would have brought K to school.  I thought about hauling them all out to the car right then, but by that point it was getting pretty late and would have been a rush.

So we stayed home.  One perfectly healthy kid and his sick and cranky (but not sleepy) brother.  Plus their sick mom.

I have elected to not keep alcohol in the house since Trey died, mainly because I find it difficult to resist a nightcap, and then I get all sad about drinking alone.  But after the kids’ party I got a bottle of bourbon.  So it’s sitting on the shelf, and I keep thinking of it longingly.  My head is pounding.  My eyeballs feel like there is sand in them.  My nose and eyes are leaking nonstop.  I want to wrap up in a blanket, sip some warm bourbon, and binge watch Supernatural.  Or at least to wrap up in a blanket with my kids, sip some orange juice and binge watch something of their choosing.

Instead I’m making lunch, fetching juice, refereeing arguments, putting away groceries, feeding the dog, doing laundry, and trying to put in a solid half day of work.

It’s such a cliche.  When everyone is sick, mom takes care of them.  When mom is sick, she still takes care of everyone else.  Granted, I’m doing it in a very minimal fashion.  So far today the kids have watched Captain Underpants and about a hundred episodes of the Thundermans, and have been on their tablets for about an hour now with half an hour left to go.

I’d better get to work!

Not Just Grieving

Posted on by Racheal

I’m grieving, but that’s not all I am doing.

This is not the post about how I’m also holding together a life and kids and managing day-to-day existence.  I’m doing all of that, too, but that is not what I mean.

Specifically with regards to my husband’s death, I am doing more than grieving.  We all do, I assume.  All widows and widowers.

We all have to find our place in the world.

Trey and I started dating in High School.  We got married as I was graduating college.  We have always been together.  I have never been a single adult.  And I don’t mean ‘single’ in the sense of being unattached or available.  I have never been a single, as opposed to being half of a pair.

My relationship with my kids, and their relationship to each other, is different now.  We are trying to redefine how we work together as a family.  It is not easy.  It is not simple.  It is not that I am now “being both mother and father” the way people say.  As a single mom, I’m not the same mom I was, with added responsibilities.  It’s different.  It’s completely different and I’m still trying to figure it out.  I’m examining what is important to me as a parent, and what issues can be let go.  I’m making determinations on our new schedule and new disciplinary recourses.  (Just wait until your father gets home is no longer a valid response to their shenanigans.)

I am also redefining my relationship with myself.  This is even harder.  Who am I without him?  I saw a movie by myself.  I got a tattoo.

By the way, apparently all GenX widows get tattoos.  I know two other women who have recently lost significant others, and we all have tattoos now.  So there’s that.

I was the shy background player, the soccer mom wallflower.  Now I’m the woman with the fish tattoo driving the neon jeep.  I want to be more than I was.  I want to be active and fun.  I’m not sure what that looks like, though.

So if you see me on Facebook or in town, and it looks like I am unphased by my situation– if it looks like I’m going on outings and pretending that everything is okay — please understand there is more to it than that.  I’m trying to stretch my wings and find my place in the world.  There is less of me now that he is gone, but in a way there is more of me, too.  I am the sole driver in my life and I’m trying to draw up a map.

Cherish These Times cannot always be the answer (alt title: why some other mom bloggers can kiss my butt)

Posted on by Racheal

This is specifically about kids sleeping in your bed, but I’m sure it can be applied to other situations.

“Just cherish this time. It won’t last forever.”  This is RARELY, if ever, a workable solution.   At best, it is a mantra to be used as a coping mechanism.  Too often it is an admonishment, verging on shaming.  Whenever a parent has difficulty with his/her children, at the edge of frustration and at wit’s end, and reaches out to the fellow parenting community, the response that comes back is to stop complaining and be grateful.

Sheesh.

Here is some background about our sleeping situation.  When my boys were babies, it was of utmost importance to me that they learn to fall asleep in their own beds.  I knew many people who wound up in an unintentional family bed situation, which is stressful for the parents as well as for the kids who don’t have the skills to fall asleep on their own.  To this end, I spent many nights on the floor of the kids’ room.  We wound up putting a small sofa in that room so I could be near the kids to comfort them while allowing them to remain in their beds.  I fought that battle every night, all while people told me that I should let the kids sleep in my bed and cherish that time.  There was nothing wrong with me.  I was not a cold hearted person who did not want to snuggle.  I believed (and still do) that it was the best for them to develop that skill.  All their lives, they could come to our bed in the night if they woke, but the initial go-to-sleep had to be in their own beds.

Then it all changed.  Enter widowhood, single mother-hood, and parenting two kids who have experienced a trauma.

They now sleep in my bed every night.  I resisted at first, encouraging them to fall asleep in their own beds, even promising to wake them and bring them to my bed later in the night.  At this point, however, I have given in.  They go straight to my bed.  Both of them.  Every.  Single. Night.

I cannot get a decent night’s sleep.  I wake twisted and sweaty, with an elbow in my face, a knee in my gut, a dog on my pillow and cats chasing my feet.  No matter how many blankets I put on my bed, I still must battle throughout the night for the right to cover my toes.  I have to sleep in the middle of the bed to prevent a war between the littles.  This means that anything requiring access to the side table, such as turning the lamp off, checking the alarm and/or clock, etc. requires acrobatics while I hover over a sleeping child, both tangled in the blankets, to reach my glass of water without waking anyone.

Nighttime is already rough for the widow.  I can no longer go to bed nestled in the crook of Trey’s arm.  I can’t put my arm around his chest, listen to him breathe, let the day’s stresses release in the safety of his touch.  I also do not have the consolation prize of getting an entire bed to myself.  I don’t get to cozy into bed, burrito myself up in the blankets and read until I fall asleep.  Instead, I get extended Mommy duties.  Mommy duties that last all night and into the morning to start the next day again.

I have accepted all of this.  I know the kids need me.  I’m the grown up.  I will not stamp my feet and insist on keeping my own bed sacred.

Sharing my bed is no longer enough, however.  Now after bed time the kids come downstairs repeatedly, taking turns to ask when I am coming to bed.

They do not just want to be in my bed.  They want me to come to bed when they do.

I can’t.  I just can’t.  I know this could help them sleep and it would help them feel safe and secure, but I just can’t go to bed when they do.  I have things I need to do in the evenings.  I review my daily to-do list and mentally split it into tasks that need to be done after the kids go to bed.  I absolutely need that time in the evenings.  I sought answers in the interwebs, and wound up on several mom-blogs.  What advice did I get?

“Cherish this time!  It’s so valuable!  Your children are your most important priority, so make that time for them! This is your chance for dedicated one-on-one time with your child!”

Suck it.  That doesn’t help.  I actually need time in the evenings.  I actually have things I need to do.  My kids are my priority, but that doesn’t mean nothing else exists.

One of the blogs was promising.  She began the article by talking about one of her kid’s repeated requests for her to stay with him at night.  She listed her reasons for not joining their children at bedtime as being things like needing to tend the other kids, needing time to eat dinner with her husband, needing to finish up some work before the next day.  These all are legitimate concerns.  Finally a mom who understands and  hopefully has a solution that helps her kids but also allows her the time she needs.  Instead, her article then went on to outline her epiphany that this is the best time in our lives and that when your child asks you to come to bed with him, you should make the time to prioritize that over your other tasks.

Seriously?  Is she suggesting that one should not have dinner with their spouse, tend to the siblings, or complete work that needs to be done by the next day? Keep in mind that the reason the work is unfinished is probably in part due to putting it off in favor of family time earlier in the day.  Also keep in mind that I wish I had spent more time making my husband I priority instead of always pushing him to second fiddle. None of these things are important?

It sounds so simple — cherish this time together and remember it won’t last forever.  Cherish your time now, while you can.
Cherish the now.  Hmmm….  Let’s have a quick peek at what my ‘now’ looks like.
Now, I am struggling to be a single mom after the death of my husband three months ago.  Our whole dynamic is different, and I’m setting the structure under which our abbreviated family will work in the future.
Now, I have twin seven year old boys. If it is after bed time and I am speaking with one boy, the other soon wails, “Why does HE get to stay up and talk to you while I have to be in BED?” I therefore do not get this prized one-on-one time that I am supposed to be appreciating.
Now, I remember all those nights I slept on their bedroom floor, because I felt like it is important for a child to be able to fall asleep in his own bed.  I feel like I am losing everything I fought for in those early years.

Now, I cannot read in bed to fall asleep because it disturbs the sleep of my two little men.

Now, right now, at eleven at night, my to-do list includes making lunches for tomorrow, sorting socks, cleaning the toilets, registering my business with the SBA, researching code requirements for three work projects, and writing letters to my husband’s doctors asking for forgiveness on his final bills.  Yes, I can wait until tomorrow to do all of these things, but tomorrow has its own to-do list.  Plus work.  Eventually something has to give.  I have to be able to make time to take care of our lives.

Yes, it would be wonderful to cherish this evening routine with them.  To read a story and then all snuggle up and go to sleep together at 8:30.
But here’s the reality.  I do need to make lunches and snacks for the next day. I need to make sure there are library books in backpacks and food in the dog’s dish. I need to wash the dishes, fold socks and, yes, get caught up on work. It is easy to say that none of this is as important as time with your kids, but this has to be done sometime. If the kids’ request was 1-2 nights a week it would be an easier matter, but  is every single night. When am I supposed to take care of these things?  Part of making your kids a priority is making sure that their life is running smoothly.

Not to mention, God help me for saying this, but I do need time to myself. As moms, and especially as single moms, we are always told to take care of ourselves. I am always being told that I need to make time to ‘veg out’ or to go to a salon, or see a movie or even to drop the kids off with family for a weekend.  I don’t want to drop my kids off for a weekend.  I do want some time after they go to bed to unwind, to watch Supernatural, to paint my nails.  When I protest that I don’t have that small getaway, I am met with the argument that I should be grateful for my kids while they are young and take advantage of all the time I can so I don’t miss it.  What are you talking about?  When am I supposed to ‘take care of myself’ if I am on active Mom duty 24-7 including while I sleep?  My fellow moms are accusing me of not taking advantage of time I could spend with my kids?  Really?

It hurts. It really hurts to get this from the other moms.  There is nothing wrong with me. I believe that. I do cherish my time together with my kids. I quit my job and found a more flexible working situation so I could spend more time with them. Who are you to suggest that I am not cherishing our time?  That I am not taking full advantage?  I take them everywhere and love every minute of it.  I love them, and I love their snuggles and I love being with them.

But Jesus.  I need two hours to myself at night.  I need it 4-5 nights a week.  I’m just asking for a couple of hours.  I promise I won’t take it for granted.  I’ll pick up the floors and run the dishwasher.  I will get tomorrow’s backpacks ready and tomorrow’s work staged.  I will, sometimes, watch something that the kids can’t watch or may do a ‘spa evening’ with face mask and nail polish.

Or maybe I’ll spend the entire time crying, remembering my husband as I curl up in his spot on the sofa.

Or maybe I will stare at the wall and be empty for a while.

These are things I need to do.  I need them for my sanity and to keep our lives from falling apart.  I need the ‘after bedtime’ time.  The suggestion to ignore everything else, the implication that I somehow do not care enough or am not ‘cherishing’ enough if I need this time to myself is belittling and damaging.

2017-05-30 00.55.37Let me take a moment to apologize to the mom blogger on whose post I wrote a lengthy and not-entirely-positive comment.  I will not post a link to her site here, as I am not being super complimentary.  Overall, however, it is a good blog and if you are out there and are reading this, I hope that I was not disrespectful or harsh.  If you do want a nod to your site, let me know.  Also, that comment and this post have come about as a result of seeing several blogs with the same issue.  I finally decided to say something.

By the way — the solution I have found is to go to bed with my kids, and hope they fall asleep first so I can get up and finish my evening.