It’s been two months, which seems crazy both because it somehow feels like I’ve aged a lifetime and also because I am still always surprised and saddened to not find him here when I get home. Two months feels like it can’t be right because it simultaneously feels much longer and much shorter than that.
I remember that the second house we bought together- our house in Tulsa – we bought without him ever seeing. I had fallen in love with the house, and that was all he needed to kno
Trey wasn’t into holidays. This worked out, because I am SUPER INTO holidays. We would have been full-on Griswold for every one of them if he had been as enthusiastic as I am. I had actually been thinking we should start decorating the house and yard for Fat Tuesday, and almost had him on board.
He didn’t ever stop me or act grinchy or comolain about my holiday preparations, and I didn’t ask him to help decorate. Invariably, however, he would wind up doing most of the hosting and final cooking on the day of the holiday, as I had exhausted myself in preparations.
He never seemed to mind. He liked hosting, even if he didn’t care for the trappings of the holiday. My enthusiasm, however, seemed to perplex him. He never could get excited about a holiday like I did.
I choose to think that he found my love of the holidays to be charming and not irritating.
Tomorrow will be our first major holiday without him. Easter was his least favorite. Coloring eggs put him to sleep. Literally. Every year he dozed off while we were coloring eggs. He wasn’t a fan of ham, which I insist is the only meal to have for easter. He did love the ham salad my mom made with the leftovers.
Our Easters were subdued, me saving my crazy holiday credits for christmas and halloween.
So this is not the worst holiday to tackle as our first.
One time, when the kids were three, I had hidden the easter treats by leaving them.in the truck. When I went to grab them on easter eve, I found the chocolate bunnies had melted and looked pretty gruesome
Trey went i-don’t-know-where in the middle of the night and scored us two new chocolate bunnies for the easter baskets
I flick the bathroom light off, to avoid spotlighting your face as I open the door into our room. The dawn provides enough light for navigation, as well as enough for me to see you sleeping. Our son, who has stolen my place in our bed, snuggles under your arm. His tiny hand grasps your thumb. His puffy hair wilds against your arm. His tiny snores bitty echoes of your great roaring ones. Two matching faces, so similar especially in sleep. Everything is now. All of the light everywhere exists here, in the contented slumber of father and son. I stop to grasp the moment as I often do. I do not know this time it will be different. I know only it is a beautiful quiet moment in our loud turbulent lives and I stop to appreciate it before exiting the room and heading to work.
As far as last memories go, we could’ve done worse.