My Creations Hall of Shame

For reasons, I’ve decided to combine many of my baking and crafting fails into this one place. Enjoy!

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Circa 2011-ish: my first documented as-such Pinterest Fail. 

I have always been enamored with the idea of taking traditional sandwiches and making them in pizza form. Nobody in my household is on board with that AT ALL. Still, when I saw this beautiful example of a PB&J pizza up on the Pinterests, I knew my family would be converted to my way of thinking. 

Well, I don’t know what kind of jelly they used or how they did that beautiful pattern, but you can see that I managed to mimic it almost exactly. Still, nobody in my house was ever convinced of the sandwich-as-pizza idea. I maintain that it tasted good — like a PB&J — but nobody else would try it. More for me.

tday pancakes
Turkey Day pancakes!  They’re turkeys.  The one that looks like a UFO is a cooked turkey on a platter.
happy face pancakes that look a little scary
Happy face pancakes? Or horror face pancakes?

I make reasonably good pancakes, as long as I keep it simple. When I try to get creative, it is less successful. My Turkey Day pancakes sort of looked like turkeys, if I tell you ahead of time that’s what they are. I’m not sure you’d come to that conclusion on your own. My happy face pancakes, which I attempt every so often, always come out as some sort of deranged clown from my nightmares. Good morning – we all float down here!!!

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Section view of my ‘torch’ cupcake, showing structural collapse due to, you know, being raw.
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These cupcakes are supposed to look like torches.

Many of my baking fails are due to my kids having the audacity to get older every year. Birthday parties are my time to shine! For a Minecraft themed birthday, I found this idea for torch shaped cupcakes. Yes, I paid a dumb amount of money for a baking rack that would hold ice cream cones, and then used the kind of cones I could have stood up on a baking sheet. Yes, I spent half a day coloring cake batter to make a lava effect that nobody would ever see. And, yes, I completely underbaked them, leading to collapse and general yuckiness. Never fear, however – rest assured that I balanced this out by over baking all the rest of the items for that birthday.

I admit to being super proud of this concept for an Ant Man cake. So simple it should be flawless. Right? Obviously it’s flawless. It doesn’t have frosting everywhere, pooch out on the side, or somehow look like it’s melting for no reason.

The loot llama cake I’m not even gonna hate on. Did it look like the picture? Kind of. Is it perfect? Nope. Can you tell it’s a loot llama? Yes. Yes, if you know what a loot llama is, you definitely can tell. I don’t even consider that one to be a fail.

A crocheted hat covering almost my entire head
I tried to crochet a ‘slouchy’ hat

As I crocheted this ‘slouchy’ hat, I kept thinking it seemed too big. Like way too big. Like grocery bag sized. I convinced myself to forge on, trusting that it would come together in the end. It did not.

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Pigs in a Blankets

What could be easier than putting some hot dog bits into a preformed mold and pouring pancake batter over them? A lot of things, apparently. We have used this pan a lot and have gotten better results, but never anything close to the expectation.

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Not only did these look weird, they also tasted like sawdust.
galaxyshoes
I tried to make galaxy shoes, but the marker never smudged/ran, so I just wound up with shoes that were colored with sharpie.
sans cake
Fondant is my arch nemesis.

Do you know the character Sans from Undertale?  Well, if you don’t you’re gonna have to look him up because you won’t recognize him from this attempt at a Sans birthday cake! This is also when I learned that too much black food coloring will definitely make your frosting taste like old tires. I do feel like you can tell it is trying to be adorable.

d20cookies
D20 (20 sided die) cookies.  Sigh.

Fun fact about these 20 sided die cookies — they were the only batch I ever attempted. A bit because they were so sad, but also because apparently the cookie cutter was not dishwasher safe.

Cookie Cat: He left his family behind!!!!

From the world of Steven Universe, behold Cookie Cat. My version apparently has returned from the depths of hell as a Lovecraftian Nightmare version of himself.

Personalized dice bags: a crash course in not knowing how to do fancy crochet.

One year on the holidays I decided to make dice bags for my fellow Dungeons and Dragons characters, based on their characters. We have a Mimic for the Dungeon Master, a mouse for the guy whose character had a pet mouse, a bear for the druid who turned into a bear sometimes, a shield for the asimar who used his shield to light our paths, a mug of beer for the dwarf who was always up for some ale, puzzle pieces for our bard who struggled to open a puzzle box every night, and a quiver of arrows for our ranger. It was a good idea in my head.

Ube Roll

I blame Bingeing With Babish for a lot of my recent failures. Once again attempting a dish from Steven Universe, we have Lars’s Ube Roll. I did keep returning to this and on my fourth attempt managed to make something that resembled cake instead of some sort of demented cake leather.

GISH! Do you GISH? It’s the Greatest International Scavenger Hunt and is a week of trying to perform as many creative, generous, or silly tasks from a list provided. I do it every year. My favorite items are when you try to make art out of food. Here you have Ginger Spice made out of spices, and you have Putin on a Ritz (Putin being sculpted out of hummus.) Also included here is a picture of a couple of hats I wore to GISH events. The pink hat was an attempt to make a Delores Umbridge hat for Halloween one year, and the other was an attempt at a crocheted Sailor Moon hat/wig.

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