As I write this, the day changes and it is now Mother’s Day.

Fuck that.  I do not want to deal with THAT.

This makes no sense.  My mom is amazing, and she lives near me.  She has been an astounding source of support for my whole life, and so much more now since Trey’s death.  My own kids are alive and well and awesome.  So why does Mother’s Day feel so painful?

It’s been suggested to me that it may just be a matter of it being a holiday, so soon after his death.  We never did make a big deal out of the holiday, however, so I will not be missing him especially hard.

I thought it might have something to do with our infertility.  For six years we struggled to have children.  During those six years, Mother’s Day was salt in my heart.  Then we got pregnant.  For the following six years, Mother’s Day was a low-key but joyous event.  I never got though the MD season without remembering those difficult six years, all of those Mother’s Days that I wondered if motherhood would happen for me.  It feels wrong that our celebration for conquering infertility should happen without him by my side.

The real reason, however, I believe is due to me feeling less of.  When Trey died, I lost my role as wife.  This was a huge part of who I was, and it was gone.  I am lessened.  I am less of a person, much less of a woman, and less of a parent.  We were a parenting team.  Sure we were a team that constantly fought about the rules of the game, but we were a team nonetheless.

One of the well-meaning phrases I can live without is, “You’re both the mom and the dad now.”

What?  Shut up.  That’s not accurate at all.  I was a parent, and I am still a parent.  I used to be a part of a parenting team, a dynamic duo, a squad.  I lost half my team, and am much less of a parent without him.  Without his ‘dadness’ to contrast with and compliment my ‘momness’ I’m less of a mom.

I couldn’t protect my kids from seeing their father dead.  I can’t protect them from that memory.  I can’t give them enough comfort, and I do not know how best to support them through this.

I’m not 2x the parent.  I’m less.  Less of a mom, less of a person.

Fuck Mother’s Day