I Deleted His Porn

Let’s get personal!

Hopefully none of his family finds this blog.  Of course, if they do, it will not be a surprise to them that he had porn on the computer.  For a while, we owned a company that sold adult couples’ products, and went to the Adult convention in Las Vegas once or twice.  This was about a thousand years ago.  So for me to say there was adult content on our computer, well, that is a surprise to nobody.  Do all men have pornography files in their computers?  Do all widows at some point have to delete this stuff?  Am I the only one?

In the days after Trey’s death, I purged a lot of things.  Many of them were personal, couple-y things.  I got rid of all lingerie, etc.  I got rid of all his adult DVD’s.  (We don’t even have a DVD player, except I think the XBox plays them.)  I figured family was going to descend on my house, and people were going to help me clean and sort.  I knew my sex life was over.  I thought it would be a lot less awkward for everyone if any intensely personal items were gone.  It’s like that old joke, if I die here, go to my home, tell my wife I love her, and delete my browser history.

I thought I had pretty much gotten rid of everything sensitive, until the other day.  My desktop computer went kaput and a very nice school parent offered to help me fix/clean it up.  Well, that’s when it occurred to me there was probably adult content in that computer.  I couldn’t exactly send my computer over to another third grade parent when it might be filled with my husband’s rather impressive collection of pornography.  I mean, I’m sure he sees all kinds of stuff in people’s computers.  But still.  So I went on a search for video files, and sure enough there was a collection of films filed cleverly in a folder called “Work Financial Spreadsheets.”  I deleted them.

It just felt weird because this is something that was his.  And if he were still here, I’d have to explain why I was throwing away his things.  Getting rid of his work stuff wasn’t a problem, because it was his work stuff not “his” stuff.  Getting rid of his clothes didn’t bother me, because he had three closets of clothes and really wore the same four shirts over and over again.  I kept those four shirts, and knew he wouldn’t care about the rest of the clothes.  Most of the other things I got rid of were our things — our bedspread, our mantlepiece decorations, our espresso machine.

Getting rid of his Scarface picture felt a bit wrong, but was also cathartic as I was claiming my bedroom.

This was something that was his, not mine, and wasn’t in my way and I was strictly getting rid of it for utilitarian reasons.  So I deleted his porn from my computer.  The world did not end.  I did not have to explain to anybody why I was erasing the files he downloaded.  I feel very neutral about that decision.

I also deleted Halo and Call of Duty from the XBox..

This is funny.  The kids had a friend over and they were playing video games.  My kid suggested playing Halo.  I stopped them and said that game is for grown ups, and I only let them play it because their dad sometimes played it with them.  I asked the friend if he was allowed to play it, and he skirted the question.  I said I would check with his mom, and he decided to play Plants vs Zombies instead.

I got to thinking about it later.  I kept Halo because it felt wrong to say, “Your dad died and now you are no longer allowed to play the games you like.”  The thing is, though, I really do not want them playing those games.  Not yet.  And I never play them.  They give me motion sickness (don’t judge me.)  And I am the parent.  I am the only parent, and I can parent as I see fit.  I don’t have to consult Trey’s ghost.  I am not doing the kids a service by going against my instincts.  It is horrifying that they lost their dad, but letting them play a highly inappropriate video game in his honor won’t help or change that.  He wasn’t perfect, and one of the areas on which we disagreed was his belief that our seven year olds were somehow teenagers.

I did weenie out, however.  I deleted the games, along with a few we never use, while the kids were asleep.  At some point they’ll look for Halo and I’ll be like, “Whaaaaa?  It’s gone?  Did you try turning it off and back on again?  I have no idea.  Did you try logging in under your dad’s profile?  Wow I guess there was some kind of glitch.”  I feel good about this decision.

I suppose the point here is that my house is becoming progressively  more PG-Rated.

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